CiCi's Space

What is one topic that most people would rather not talk about? A health diagnosis, a break-up, wayward children, financial hardships??…..While there are many topics that come to mind, I would guess that grief would be at the top of the list. Much to my surprise, I am ready to share my grief journey. I call it a journey because I would have never imagined I would be here today willing to share the details of such a painful season. My hope is that by sharing my experience with grief, someone else will be encouraged to share their story as well. We may never know how our lives might impact the life of another person.

When my sister was diagnosed with colon cancer in 2008 it felt as if time stood still. While we’ve always been very close, we lived in different states. I wanted to be there with her as much as I could but my children were in school. Im grateful that I was able to go with her to the first chemotherapy appointment and spend a few weeks afterwards. While the cancer went into remission a few times, in 2012 her oncologist said “we’re at the end”. We spent her last six weeks on earth reminiscing about our childhood, laughing and crying because we both realized she would be leaving soon. My sister transitioned to her Heavenly home on October 5, 2012. A few weeks after her service, there were several decisions to make….our Mother, with advanced dementia, would now come to live with my family. What about Moms house? I needed to settle my sister’s estate….so many things.

Now that my Mother was living with our family, I had to make sure that she, too, was well cared for…to make a long story short, in the midst of the caring for family and grieving, I was not doing well. Even with my Mother at ‘adult daycare’ on weekdays, I was always exhausted. While I would do it all over again, that season showed me the importance of self-care. How can you care for others if you’re worn out? I’ve often heard that “you cannot pour from an empty cup”. I realized the truth of that statement. While there were friends that I could have poured my heart out to, a year later I decided to find a therapist. Several months into my therapy sessions, life began to feel a bit lighter. The latter part of 2014 our family moved to Japan. We stayed there for five years. As I look back, I thank God for His sustaining grace and sending a nurse to help care for my Mother. Our family began attending worship services. Although it was a very small congregation, everyone was very supportive. I made new friends, began exercising regularly and traveling as often as possible. My faith was renewed.

We returned stateside in the Summer of 2019. Covid hit in March 2020 and suddenly the entire world seemed to be grieving. Life would never be the same. I found myself grieving as well when my sweet Mother passed away that April. My heart was broken. My Mother, my biggest cheerleader, the one who always supported me was now with her other daughter, my sister. Less than a year after she passed away, my niece sent me a text~”My Daddy is dead”. WHAT? My eldest brother was gone too? My mind was reeling. I remember standing up and saying out loud “Lord, I can’t take another thing”.

Several months afterwards it seemed as if I were still walking through a fog. At random moments, I found myself crying uncontrollably, like a fountain had turned on. I needed to go back to therapy. It seemed that everything was now online~school, shopping, appointments and even worship services. It was a blessing when I reached out to my previous therapist and she was willing to meet me in person. With the exception of the five years that we lived in Japan, our family has resided in the same area for more than fifteen years. One day while driving to an appointment, I got lost on a highway, very close to our home. I was praying for clarity of mind and direction. I remember crying and calling my therapist~”I cant find you” I said. It truly was answered prayer when I found myself in the right place, albeit quite late.

While everyone grieves in different ways, I’ve noticed that many people, myself included, suppress their pain and live on auto pilot. “How are you?” someone might ask and we’ll give a fake smile and respond “I’m fine, thank you”. The truth was that I felt as if I were really falling apart. While I believe the bible is true, every word in fact….I didn’t want anyone quoting scriptures to me or trying to fill the space with positive affirmations. I believe that people mean well, of course, but when a person is “in the trenches” of pain, oftentimes those well meaning phrases come across as a sting.

If you happen to be reading this and you’re grieving, whether because of the loss of a loved one, divorce or even declining health, may I encourage you to pour out your heart to God and a safe person~friend, Pastor or therapist. Healing takes time. Sometimes we want to rush through it because it hurts. I know there can be a stigma attached to seeing a therapist but I did find my sessions very helpful. While that may not be for you, dear reader, the point is to not bear the burdens alone. It used to bother me to cry so much. Today I know that tears are healing. Sometimes a sweet memory will come to mind and I’ll find myself unexpectedly crying once again. The difference now is that Im missing my loved ones but the pain isn’t there. God is our merciful Father, and the source of all comfort (2 Corinthians 1:3 NLT).